I was talking to my Mother this morning about the services tomorrow. I told her how some friends and I felt really guilty about not reaching out to Steph more before she died. My Mother's response - "You should feel guilty - we all could have done more."
My first reaction was, "What the Fuck! Don't you realize that we were trying to put out a message of 'tough love'?" or "We would have hung out with her more if she was mentally more stable."
Then, as I thought more about what she said, I realized she was right. We absolutely should have done more and we didn't because it was hard. It is hard to look at someone in their early to mid 20's and realize that they have a problem. It is hard to push that person towards more positive influences. It's hard to realize that it may have been difficult for her to reach out to us because we didn't reach out to her. This realization makes me sick to my stomach, but it's true. How many of us look the other way when we have the power to do something?
I am not insinuating that we should help everyone we meet, but we should try to do more for the people we love. We should do more and we should do it often. I know that I did not do everything I could for my friend. It hurts, and now I do not have a chance to make it better. All I can do is remember her fondly and take this hard lesson to heart.
My Grandpa says to give until it hurts and then give some more. I wish I would have listened to him.
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4 comments:
I agree with your mom to a point: I think that when another person becomes a toxic presence in your life, that you have to get rid of them. There's no reason to be a pushover.
That said, I'm not saying whether she was or wasn't a toxic presence. Obviously, you all loved her and cared for her very much. Obviously, she was very ill, despite being a great and wonderful person. Obviously, her death leaves a gigantic hole in your life. I am so sorry you have to go through that.
DON'T YOU DARE BEAT YOURSELF UP!
Each of us are responsible for ourselves. Yes, she was your friend, and you loved her, and you all wish you could have stopped this. But, there was only one person who could really have stopped it. No matter how deeply we may get lost, there are always moments of clarity when we know what we are doing to ourselves and those we love.
Would you have picked up the phone if she called? Would you have helped if she'd ever asked? I thought so. You were there even if you didn't make a big show of it. You were available. It's a terrible tragedy that she couldn't see you all through her pain. But there's nothing you could have done to change it.
Sorry if that sounded gungho, but it's true. I don't think ya'll would have turned her away if you truly thought she was reaching out to you. And when someone hits bottom and they need to reach out, they either do it no matter the cost or they do what's easy and don't reach out at all.
Your Mom is right (as usual), but I think we all did the best that we could. I've spent years feeling guilt ridden over the dissolution of our friendship, so maybe that's why I'm not feeling like beating myself up right now.
I do wish I had done more, though. I'm sure I always will.
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