Rhyme for the summertime

Nice weather is finally upon us and this can only mean one thing – concert season. Ahh yes – time to pack up my picnic basket and head to Ravinia, discover my long lost hippie-ness at Deer Creek, and get my groove on lakeside at Northerly Island on Navy Pier.

Admittedly, as I have gotten older, my concert behavior tolerance has decreased and I have become what some might refer to as “crotchety.” I used to never miss a show – especially if I really liked a band. Now, it has become somewhat of an annoyance to hop a train or drive through traffic on a Wednesday only to suffer the whole next day due to lack of sleep. I am still a trooper though, and I suffer through the annoyance because nothing beats live music.

At the ripe old age of 26, my music preference has calmed a bit. I do not attend shows where I may encounter a mosh pit, I hang out in the balcony with the other “old folks” and when I consider buying concert tickets and see “ALL AGES” on the bill – I curse loudly, shake my fist into the air and remove the tickets from my virtual shopping cart. You would think that this would limit my encounters with the clueless – but you should never underestimate the public’s ability to be an asshole.

With that said, I present KC’s guide to concert-going. Feel free to print and distribute as necessary.

10. Dance Politely.

If you plan on doing the “Hippy convulsion wiggle shake dance,” make sure you have enough room to do so without disturbing those trying to enjoy the show around you. Either take it down a notch or move out of my way so that I can enjoy the show without your elbow in my tit.



Quick side note – if you would like to learn how to do the hippy dance, follow these simple rules;
a. Listen to the song being played
b. Completely disregard any melody or beat of the aforementioned song
c. Have seizure

9. Please remember to wear deodorant.
9b. Patchouli is not deodorant.

8. Do not push or shove your way up to the front of the crowd.

If you wanted to stand front and center, you should have gotten to the event earlier. If you do happen to make your way to the front of the crowd, you forfeit any right to use the restroom, get a beer or leave for any reason unless you are willing to give up your spot for the remainder of the show. This is a consequence you must pay for prime viewing.

5. Do not wear the shirt of the band you are going to see.

This should go without saying – but (and I quote from PCU) "Don't be that guy." You may be asking yourself, “But, KC, What if it’s an old concert shirt from a different tour? Can I wear that one?” The answer is no. Why? Because you look like a fuck-tard. If you bought the ticket, you are a fan. That is all you need to prove your allegiance.

6. No shoulder rides.

We all know your girlfriend is only 5 feet tall. However, when you place her atop your 6 foot frame, you have created a really tall, annoying monster that blocks everyone else behind you. Expect to have beer spilled down your pants.

5. Don’t yell out song requests.

The band has a set list determined ahead of time for continuity/lighting purposes. Sometimes a band will ask for requests – then and only then may you scream. If you absolutely cannot contain yourself (please try), DO NOT request that one song that is played on the radio every 15 minutes. They will play it, I promise.

Don't yell "Freebird." You are not funny or ironic.

4. Air Guitar – Just don’t.

For the love of all that is holy – Just. Don’t. (This rule also applies to air drums, air base and air piano)

3. This is not sing-along time, this is a concert.

Nobody minds if you quietly mouth along or sing along to yourself. It’s fun – everyone does it. However, I paid to hear the artist sing the song. I did not pay to hear you drunkenly shout it. What’s more – I certainly did not pay to hear you sing the first line and then drunkenly mumble along until you remember another word. Which you shout. In my ear.

2. Cell phones are a no-no.

Seriously, Broseph, your friend does not care that the band is doing a Bob Dylan cover. No. They cannot hear it. Cell phones are not microphones or concert recording devices and your friend will likely be annoyed that you are;

a) rubbing in the fact that they are not at the show, themselves
b) likely interrupting whatever they are doing so that they can listen to mumbled static as you drunkenly sing along

Besides, you are annoying the people around you.

1. STFU.

Seriously. I want to hear the band – not your weekend plans. If you want to talk/gossip/make business deals do it at home/at the bar/on the golf course. This especially applies to non-rock shows where people are seated. Also – do not yell shit at the band. They are not going to get naked no matter how much you tell them they are “hot” or request that they “take it off.” This is not a strip club. The band is performing. Have some respect. Save your fantasies for the bedroom.

Did I miss anything? What annoys you most when you go to see live music?