The Bus Witch

Every morning, I catch a bus and take it almost a mile to the nearest subway stop - which I then take to work. Nearly every morning, I end up on the same bus and train as one of my favorite "Auxiliary characters" in the movie of my life.

I call her "The Bus Witch" (TBW) because she has strange growths all over her face and arms - similar to what comes to mind when you think of the wart on a witch's nose. They may be all over her body, I just haven't had the displeasure of seeing that much detail with my own eyes. Either way, I see her almost every day. She is an older woman, perhaps in her mid 50's. She has greying dark hair, which she pulls back with a barrette. She also has some of the most stunning facial hair I have ever seen on a woman. I'm not just talking a few stray dark hairs here and there...I am talking cop mustache. She does occasionally wax or shave, but I think she could pull off a convincing Burt Reynolds if she chose to do so. It appears as though she has a uniform of mom jeans, short sleeved muted Hawaiian shirts, and Keds. To recap: Warty growths, long grey hair, cop 'stache, tourist outfit (without fanny pack).

There are a lot of odd looking people on Chicago's public transit, but it is TBW's sense of urgency and panic that cause me to find her particularly interesting. If you know anything about Chicago buses during the morning rush hour, you know that they are ridiculously packed full of people. To liken my morning commute to being in a can of sardines is more telling than you will ever know unless you experience it first-hand. The smell is even similar. By the time the bus reaches my stop, I am lucky to get on. TBW gets on at the stop after me, so the bus is already filled to the gills (I am on a roll with the fish references). While many will try to squeeze on in an effort to get to work on time, TBW takes it to the next level.



She will cut in front of children, the elderly, hell- she would knock over a pregnant woman if that's what it took to make sure that she could get on the bus. It is extremely entertaining to watch from afar - though not as funny when you happen to be in her path of destruction. The woman shoves her way onto the bus, but it is not enough that she gets on...oh no. That would be too easy. Once she gains entrance, her main objective is to shove her way to the back exit. If she is not able to immediately take residence next to the back door, she becomes increasingly agitated with each stop closer to the subway.


Now, keep in mind that approximately 70% of the riders will exit the bus at the subway stop so there is little to no chance that a person would be unable to get off - even considering the crowd. I don't think that the concept registers with TBW. The woman will start to grunt and pace anxiously as she shoves anyone who proves to be an obstacle. If someone dare mention that everyone in front of them will also be exiting at the subway, she will shout "You don't know that!" "- and she will continue to heave herself towards the exit. I have watched her take down grown men in quest for the coveted standing position near the door.


I heart TBW because she is relentless in her pursuits, however bizarre they may be. She symbolizes so much more than than a nutball on a mission. She accomplishes her goal on a daily basis, and those that try to impede are left bruised and battered in her wake. I dig that kind of determination - but only because I know to get the hell out of her way.